Tuesday, 27 December 2011

I feel so alone.

I can't even think straight, I don't even know what to write here. But I need to do something to keep my sanity. I want to cry but I feel that it's gonna be useless. I need answers. I badly need the truth right now.

He broke my heart. Yes, he did. But he broke something bigger, my faith. Faith to myself. I'm right here, but I don't see me. I barely know the person that I am seeing in front of the mirror. I was a very confident girl. But I feel so worthless  now.

I've tried several times to distract myself from the thoughts of him. But he keep coming back. I want to call him, i really want to hear his voice, i miss him so much, I am so stupid. I know, he could still be lying to me. He may still be with the other girl, even if he said he isn't.

I love him. Okay, now I'm crying.

I need someone to talk to. But who? Who would understand me? I guess no one but myself.

I even lost my faith with other people around me. I feel so helpless. If the person whom I trusted the most in the world, was able to hurt me this much, then they can too. I feel like no one can understand, no one will listen, no one can save me. I am so alone. I am pathetic.

Does he really need time to fix himself? Or is he using the time to be with her? Is there anything wrong with me? Do I not deserve love and loyalty?

Who would know what to do if they were me? Who would know the future. What if I let him go, then later realize that he really is the man for me and it is too late? What if I forgive him now, marry him and then he does the same mistake again? It's both dead end.

What is most important? Is it love? Because if it is, I would definitely go back to him. But I lost my trust and respect for him. I even lost respect for myself because of him. Will it be possible for a relationship to last if it only has love?

Why does lying seem so easy for him? Is it some kind of talent for some people?

I had a nightmare last night. I was trying to wake up, but someone keeps putting cover, a blanket, to my face, and I can hardly breathe, I'm trying to escape, but it keeps blocking me. Was it him? Is it now manifesting in my dreams?

I just don't know what to believe now. Should I trust my emotions? Should I trust logic? My female intuition that led me thru discovering everything? I don't know, I really don't. If dying could have been an option then I'll take it. But no, I've lost my faith in myself and in others, but not in God. Just please help me find the answers.

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