Monday, 30 January 2012

The Answers..

Finally, the answers that I've been waiting for. Maybe, not for all the questions that I had, but just enough for me to tell myself that IT'S OVER.. Yes, it is over.

Now, I know the truth. It was him all along.. All the lies, all the stories.. Noone else is to blame. Even the other girl, she didn't know. She was a victim too. What's sad is, now that she knows the truth, she stick to what she wants, what they want. But that is no longer my concern now.

Forgive me if I ever offended some people with my actions. Please remember though that I am only human and I am not at all perfect. Forgive me if I've done something wrong, if I was impulsive. Again, remember that as human, I act based on my emotions.  Some could have judged me for what I have done, but please understand, that I was hurt then.

And now, I also forgive you for everything that you did. Although, I feel like I can never forget what happened, you've been forgiven. Now, I also pray that you change. I pray that whatever is causing you to do all this stops. I pray that you find real happiness in your life.

Thank you God for bringing me the answers. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for saving me from a relationship that is not honest. Thank you for saving me from a possibly doomed marriage.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Message to GOD . .

On this day of your life, Joanne, we believe God wants you to know ... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.
Message from God
You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.
Dear God, 
You know how much I really want to forgive. You know how many times I tried to justify his actions, how much I defended him from myself, how much I really wanted to forgive. Forgive not only him, but also myself. You know how much I want to heal and let go. But everytime that I try to, it keeps coming back to me, in a way or another. I need to forget but I cannot. I guess, you also know that deep in my heart, I still care for him. That although I try to pretend that I don't, though I try to mask my emotions with hatred, you know I love him. Please tell me how it could be wrong to love someone too much? Or was it wrong because it was too much? I don't want to be suffering like this for any longer. Please tell me what to do. Please help me overcome my jealousy, please remove the thoughts of revenge on my head. Oh God, please heal me. 

Thursday, 5 January 2012

I'm not sure if I've used all my tears this past few days, maybe yes, maybe not, maybe I'll be crying for the same reasons again. But I feel that little by little, I am beginning to accept everything. When something so bad, so heartbreaking, happen like this, I would usually just keep everything to myself and endure the pain. I think that wasn't right. When you keep things to yourself, you think you can get thru it alone, but you don't realize that bit by bit, you're dying slowly. You're dying and noone knows.

It's good that I let everything out, that I let people find me and help me. Yes, I know the pain is still there, but at least, someone is there to feel you, to ease the pain, to hug you when you needed it most. My mom told me that everything will be better. Now, every time I feel so helpless, every time I feel like I'm breaking down again, I think of her words. Everything will be better.

I was tormented, or maybe I still am. I've gone thru a whole week of emotional torture, of unbearable pain. But I'm still alive, I'm breathing, and it's a sign. A sign that life doesn't end with a heartbreak. And though it doesn't seem like the pain will never end, I know in time it will.

I gave him my heart, now it's time that I take it back and put it where it should be, here in my chest, back to myself. Back to where it was in the beginning. Back to my old self. Back to being whole again.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I'm crying to the point that I can no longer breathe. These last 2 days were the worst. I fought for love, for my 7 year relationship, and I lost. He said he wanted his freedom. I can't understand why he didn't tell me earlier. I can't understand why he had to give me lies. Why he made me think that we can still fix our situation. Why he told my friends he still love me. Why he said he broke up with her already. Why he told me that he was fixing himself. Why all the lies? Why give me false hope?

I did what he want. I went to his house, talked to his mom, got the ring back and I went there to see him, to prove him that I love him so much. I swallowed my pride. I even took all the blame and told him that I would change. I apologized for the things that weren't exactly my fault.

I literally begged him. I begged him to come back to me. I asked him to remember how happy we were then. I asked him to remember the proposal. I asked him to remember the last 7 years. I told him that I'm willing to forget all that happened, that I will forgive him. I begged him and all that he said is that he want his freedom back. I asked for a last chance and he won't give it.

My mom was hugging me tight because I was crying so hard. She keep saying that everything happened for a reason, she said maybe we were not really meant for each other. She said that it is better this way, that someone better will come. She said something about fate didn't want us to be together anymore, and I think that fate is just too cruel to me.

I don't know where all this pain is coming from. How come I can't stop crying. How come even if people told me that everything will be better, it doesn't seem real. I keep saying that I'm okay but I'm really not. No, I can't be okay.

I lost the person who I thought was my soulmate. I lost a bestfriend. I lost our dreams. I lost my visions of the future. I am losing myself. 

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Dear Me,

You asked for a sign, you got it. I know you're hurting right now, but that's it. You have to let go now.

It may be hard, you've gone thru a lot, but soon enough, everything's gonna be alright. You can cry, go ahead and let it out.

If the future scares the hell out of you, then stop thinking about it and live just for today. 

Stop thinking about what's gonna happen next, it will arrive eventually.

If the past is hurting you, then maybe it's time to leave it all behind.

If you think you're broken, then start picking up the pieces of yourself.

Don't be upset if you can't find the answers you're looking for, maybe it's not yet time. Soon everything will be clear and you'll find the reason why.

Don't blame yourself. None of it is your fault. Nothing is wrong with you.

You have to move on. Start anew. I know, it will be tough, but you'll make it.