Saturday, 31 December 2011

Dear You,


I had another dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare. It was the scariest dream that I had, but there were no ghosts or monsters or covers. Just you. We were together and we were happy. Then I asked you, "do you love me?". You said, "yes." I asked you again, "are you happy with me?" and your answer was "i am happy right now, I'm with you."

"Did you break-up with her?" And I was really hoping for another yes but you said, "I can't" , "I tried, but I can't." Then I started crying, but there wasn't any tear. You said, "It is easier to be with her, we can be together as much as we want."

I said "I love you" then I kissed you and then I begged you to break up with her. But you did not answer. But it seems like I already knew what it is, so I left. 

Then I woke up. 

Maybe that dream was the sign that I was praying for. You were so honest in that dream, you were so unreal,  yet ironically, everything felt real, like you were just in front of me.


Today will be the last day. And it will be the last chance that I'm giving myself. Everything needs to stop after today.






Friday, 30 December 2011

There's a war.

A war between me and myself.
Between my mind and my heart.
Between intellect and emotions.

A war between love and hatred.
Between hope and regret.
Between forgiveness and revenge.

A war between truth and lies.
Between trust and suspicion.
Between assurance and disappointment.


A war between looking back and moving forward.


The Gemini



In finding answers to all the questions I have in my head, and in complete desperation, I started to search for the future thru horoscopes.While I was never a believer of such, I am now willing to take anything, maybe anything that would tell me that everything is gonna be alright.

I wanted to understand what happened to him, why all of a sudden things changed (this is not the future, I am looking back at the past)

Gemini Man
The Gemini man is an intelligent, versatile, knowledgeable man who enjoys communication. 
A convincing talker, combined with his youthful nature and the Gemini man can present a character of considerable appeal to most women. 
It is more than likely then, that this male will have many girlfriends before he gets married.    
The Gemini man loves travel, parties and entertainment and possesses a fun-loving outlook on life so, with such outlook it may be unwise that he refrains from settling down to early in life. 
He will pursue a woman who interests him while a challenge exists, however, the relationship staying power of the Gemini man is generally not record breaking and he will often lose interest if he becomes bored and move on in search of new conquests.  

That is him. Everything is just oh-so-right, I just hope I've read this a million years ago so maybe I have predicted what's gonna happen. Maybe, that was it, our relationship lost that challenge that he was craving for. I said yes to the marriage, maybe, everything became too predictable for him, thus, became boring. And he's had only three girlfriends (or four now), maybe he need a dozen or more before he settles down.

I am tired. My mind is now about to explode, thinking why or how or what will happen next or whatever. What's really ironic is, I've been looking for description of a gemini, while I myself is one, so I should know. I'm non-sense, my mind is actually thinking faster than what my hands can write, and, I just need to stop.



Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Dear You,

How did you do it? Did you have any sense of guilt? Was it difficult lying? 

Do you know how I'm feeling right now? I'm awful. I feel like dying. I feel empty. I feel stranded.

In the office, when people talk about lovelife and how many girlfriends or boyfriends one had, I was always proud to say that you were the only one.  When people joke about men womanizing, I would always say that I'm confident that you won't.

You know how I planned my future with you in it? I was planning for our wedding everyday. I'm always thinking of what you might want to include in it. I was downloading the songs you suggested. Remember, I even showed you the dance that I thought was perfect for you? You're a good dancer, so I know you can do it better. You're such a talented person. And so a lot of people are telling me that I was lucky to have you. I would always say that yes, I'm very lucky.

I even thought that after the wedding, we will look for an apartment temporarily there in Cavite, cause I thought you wont be really comfortable staying in our house, so during the work week I can stay at my house and then on my off, I'd go there in our place. I was planning to get copies of recipes so I can cook for you. I was thinking of how I'm gonna design our house, the pieces of furniture that we're gonna buy. Then we can get a loan so we can buy our new house depending if you want it here or there in Cavite.

You see, everything that I've dreamed off, you were in it. I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you, of getting old with you. 

Now, I feel so lost. Now, everything about the future frightens me. Now, I don't know whom to trust anymore, I can't even trust myself now. You broke me. You hurt me in ways I never thought you could.



By the way, I love you still.


Tuesday, 27 December 2011

I feel so alone.

I can't even think straight, I don't even know what to write here. But I need to do something to keep my sanity. I want to cry but I feel that it's gonna be useless. I need answers. I badly need the truth right now.

He broke my heart. Yes, he did. But he broke something bigger, my faith. Faith to myself. I'm right here, but I don't see me. I barely know the person that I am seeing in front of the mirror. I was a very confident girl. But I feel so worthless  now.

I've tried several times to distract myself from the thoughts of him. But he keep coming back. I want to call him, i really want to hear his voice, i miss him so much, I am so stupid. I know, he could still be lying to me. He may still be with the other girl, even if he said he isn't.

I love him. Okay, now I'm crying.

I need someone to talk to. But who? Who would understand me? I guess no one but myself.

I even lost my faith with other people around me. I feel so helpless. If the person whom I trusted the most in the world, was able to hurt me this much, then they can too. I feel like no one can understand, no one will listen, no one can save me. I am so alone. I am pathetic.

Does he really need time to fix himself? Or is he using the time to be with her? Is there anything wrong with me? Do I not deserve love and loyalty?

Who would know what to do if they were me? Who would know the future. What if I let him go, then later realize that he really is the man for me and it is too late? What if I forgive him now, marry him and then he does the same mistake again? It's both dead end.

What is most important? Is it love? Because if it is, I would definitely go back to him. But I lost my trust and respect for him. I even lost respect for myself because of him. Will it be possible for a relationship to last if it only has love?

Why does lying seem so easy for him? Is it some kind of talent for some people?

I had a nightmare last night. I was trying to wake up, but someone keeps putting cover, a blanket, to my face, and I can hardly breathe, I'm trying to escape, but it keeps blocking me. Was it him? Is it now manifesting in my dreams?

I just don't know what to believe now. Should I trust my emotions? Should I trust logic? My female intuition that led me thru discovering everything? I don't know, I really don't. If dying could have been an option then I'll take it. But no, I've lost my faith in myself and in others, but not in God. Just please help me find the answers.

Monday, 26 December 2011

Alive.

Words cannot express my feelings right now.

Sunday, 25 December 2011

When Christmas comes!

I woke up this morning, hearing that song from Mariah Carey! It is Christmas! Could you believe it?

After about 40hrs of being awake, my body finally gave up (and my mind too!) and I was able to get 5hrs of sleep! My boyfriend (should i say my ex-bf) was texting me last night, he was telling me that he wants me back and that he dealt with the other woman already. I am so confused right now! I love him still. I loved him so much and I think it would be so hard to just forget him, imagine that we've been together for 7 years.. But it is also so hard to forget how much pain I felt for the last 2 days.. It made me numb, really! 

Should I believe him? Should I forgive him? Should I talk to him again? But I am so afraid to talk to him and see him again, I am afraid that I would just give in and forgive him right there and then. That's how much I love him.. Maybe you'd say that I'm such a big fool, and yes I am!

I've been arguing about this with myself! I keep telling myself that he was not really serious with the other girl. Because if he was, he should have let the idea of us getting married slip away.. But he didn't.. We even made a full payment for our wedding venue last Nov! And he even agreed to go to the next bridal fair.. But if he really loved me, he should have never started that affair! He was saying that it was actually the girl who kept going to his boarding house to see him (she is such a whore!!), but he should have resisted, he should have thought about me, right?

But then again, like I said, I love him still and I am starting to hate myself for it.. I have to admit, when he texted me last night night, when he apologized, it really healed me, somehow..



Saturday, 24 December 2011

The First!

Funny how I am starting my blog with my heartaches! I dont feel like anyone can understand me right now, I just didn't want all the unsolicited advice that I will get from people around me! I just needed a place where I can say whatever I want to say and where I can express how much pain I have somewhere here around my chest (well, i think that it is just a reminder that, yes, I am alive!)

Well, here is my story!  I've been in a relationship with a man for the last 7 years, and it ended, well, last night.. He was the first man (I mean the only man so far) that I loved, I thought that everything was so damn smooth! And Guess what, he proposed marriage to me last Aug, that was on our 7th anniversary. Ours is a semi-long distance relationship (I mean he's here in the philippines, not abroad!) , we would see each other maybe once or twice a month! I have given him everything! And I mean everything, you name it, he got it! Not just my heart and my soul but every freakin' thing! But then I just found out that he was having an affair to another woman! It started last Oct, well, that would be 2 months after the proposal!

And guess where all the lies came out, in the number 1 social networking website, Facebook! I feel like I have the strongest female intuition, because i was able to figure out everything! He changed his pw, hid his tagged photos, that is just suspicious right? Well, since I work as a technical support agent for an internet company, I could say that I am somehow tech savvy (more of a hacker)! I saw pictures of him on facebook with the girl, arms around each other! But that is not all, ofcourse, you do that with some of your closest friends right?! I was able to figure out another account that belonged to him! Made a couple of guesses with the email ad and pw, and boom! I got logged in! And to my surprize, the account looks exactly like the one he is using for me, all infos and pictures, except for one major thing! He is in a relationship with someone else!

You know what's really amazing? When I saw that page, no tears came out! (just so you know, I am quite emotional and i cry a lot!) It was all anger and regret! Regret, that I wasted 7 years of my life with the wrong guy! Anger, because I feel like I don't deserve it!

I was so angry, I lost control of myself, I started uploading pictures of us together on his wall, making bitchy (excuse me for the word!) remarks, telling how interesting it is to see your fiance being in a relationship with someone else! It was not like me, I was never a war freak, I never said such ugly words in my entire life except in that moment that I saw how he's been fooling me for 3 months! I felt like dying!

I don't know if you've ever felt anger, dismay, regret, pain, disappointment, confusion all at the same time! It was overwhelming, I think you would lose your self control too.

What's more, his girlfriend added me as a friend and dare posted comments on my wall too! It was a war, really! I cannot find the words to best describe her! But I do admire her... confidence?! 

Maybe it was all on me after all, sounds cliche but you really should not love too much, you have to leave something for yourself! It is still best that you love yourself first!

And the best part of it all is, it's Christmas tomorrow (that's what we call perfect timing!)