Saturday, 11 February 2012

Why am I suddenly feeling this wave of sadness creeping over me? Could it be because of the dream I had last night? I can't even remember exactly what it was.. Sadness.. I mean, not just that, emptiness? That feeling where you have this weird sting of pain and you don't know where it's coming from and you try to search for it inside your heart and it doesn't seem to be there.. Like something is missing.. Like something just left.. 

Oh I hate this feeling.. I was perfectly fine last night. I thought I was okay this morning.. Why the sudden change? Are these lapses? Is this just normal? Oh I hate it. Now I am starting to think about it again. About him again. And I dare talk about healing or moving on yesterday and look at me now. Now, I'm trying so hard not to cry..

I don't know what started this. Everything seemed normal this morning. I ate breakfast, then I read a book and I watched a film. Now I'm wondering why I am crying. Crying for no reason. Just like an insane person. Maybe because out of nowhere a part me is saying that I miss him. And another part of me is telling me that I should contact him. And I just don't want to. Because it isn't right. I know it isn't.

Why do we always have to have a battle between the heart and the mind? Why can't they have something that they both want? Why am I always suppose to argue with myself? Why is there a need to stop yourself from doing something you want? Because you are protecting yourself from something that will hurt you more. So stop.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Healing a Broken Heart?

Number One. Forget? That's one thing people will tell you. Forget him. Move on. But how? I have to say that I have a photographic memory. I was born with it.

Let me share a quick story of my childhood. When I was one year old, I was shot by a gun. Yes, by a real gun. I almost died then. The doctors said that it was a miracle that I survived. That time, my father was working abroad. My mom didn't tell my dad what happened. Two years later, my dad came home and he still did not have any idea as to what happened.  I was three years old then and would you believe that I told my dad the whole story. I told him that "Voltes V" shot me and I died and lived again. Everyone was so surprised that I remembered the details of the operation.

There, you see, I can't forget. I keep telling my mind to forget and it is just driving me insane. It's impossible. Every place that I go to, it reminds me of him. Every piece of memory that I retrieve from my head includes him. Forgetting is like trying to escape from reality. I cannot change the fact that he was a part of my life. So instead of forcing my mind to do something that it cannot do, I decided on doing something else... Create new memories. So I go out. Hang out with friends. Read new books. Watch new movies. Dine in new places. Try new things, discover, explore..

Number Two. Look for the your best bud. You have a lot of friends, that's a fact. But look for the one whom you know will understand you best. The one who can relate to your pain. The one whom you'll be most comfortable to share your thoughts, your shame, the unexpressed feelings, the stories you cannot tell your other friends. It helps when you have someone who would listen to you even if you are no longer making sense. I'm lucky I have one! 

But if it is hard find that friend, look for an alternative. Keep a journal or start a blog, like I did. That night when I found out the truth and when I was so hurt and didn't have someone to talk to, I started this blog. I don't really care if someone could or would read it, I just needed an outlet, a place where I can speak my mind, where I can let my feelings flow. And it made me feel better.

Number Three.  Travel! This is my favorite! This could be part of the creating new memories idea but I wanted it separate. One of my bestfriends told me that her motto is "Do whatever I want in case the world ends this year". Then I told her that my motto this year is plain and simple: Travel and Eat! And she laughed and asked me if I am on the "Eat Pray Love minus the Love" peg. Then I remembered, that book is one of the things that inspired me to travel. Though I am not really planning to go to Italy, India or Indonesia (I haven't got a passport yet, that's why!) I would love to travel across the country. My goal is to go somewhere different each month!

I'm not saying that I've completely moved on or that I am no longer heart broken. That's why the title of this post is "healing a broken heart"  because I am still in the process of "healing". That's my current state. And I'm actually excited for the day that I can say that I've moved on (past tense) and that I'm ready. But I am not saying that I am not happy because I am. Remember, happiness is a choice.

Friday, 3 February 2012

Alone? Never.


One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand
And to my surprise,
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
And saddest part of my life.
This always bothered me
And I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life
There is only one set of footprints
I just don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You leave me."
He whispered, 
"My precious child,
I love you and I will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you."

I just don't understand why I ever forgot this story about the footprints in the sand. Why I ever felt that, sometime in my life, I was alone. Just then I remembered, God never left me. During that night, when I was so confused, when I felt the most pain, when I was crying like I won't stop, when I had noone to turn to, I said my sincerest prayers to God. Now, I realize that sometimes you need to feel pain so you'd remember that God is here. That He always is. 

I mean, when everything in my life was so perfect, when everything was running smoothly, I pray, I give thanks, and that's it. But that night, when I felt broken, when I thought my world stopped, that was the time that I sought Him with all my heart. That was when I asked Him so hard to come to me and help me. That was when I desperately asked Him to talk to me and give me answers.

I can't remember exactly where I read a quote that says brokenhearted people pray in ways a contented person cannot. I guess, that is true. Because the moment I felt like I hit rock bottom, I called and asked Him to lift me up and He did. He carried me. And not only that He told me that He will never leave me, He also showed me that a lot of people cares for me, my family and a lot of my true friends. Now, I am so happy to know that never will I be alone again.

[The poem "footprints" was written by Margaret Fishback Powers; Footprints: Scriptures with Reflections for Women] 
Special Thanks to Ms. Stacy Morilla for giving me that book.