Better..

I've been away for quite some time now.. I was afraid to go back to this blog, thinking it would bring back the pain that I've felt before.. But wow, I'm a lot better now.. No more bitter moments.. Crying time is long gone..

It's been half a year since that time when I was broken.. One of the hardest times of my life.. But like what people say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I guess I'm a stronger person now, a stronger woman..

Just like what I always thought, you really cannot move on unless you first forgive the person who did you wrong. It was hard, sometimes I hear a voice at the back of my mind saying why would you forgive someone who hurt you so much when all you did was love?? Yet, I told myself that whatever happened to our relationship was God's plan. Yeah, it was.

Now I am just happy that it ended. Okay, why don't I face the fact that even before I discovered his affair with the other woman, I was already having doubts about our relationship. I did feel that I wasn't ready. I was unsure that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Yes, that is the truth. I wasn't ready. I was just blinded by the thought of "getting married". By the childhood belief of living happily ever after. Was pressured by my theory to marry the first man that I loved. By the fact that most of my friends my age already have their own family.

I still believe that there is no enough reason for anyone, man or woman, to cheat his/her partner. If something is wrong, then let your partner know, not let someone else fill the gap for you. Telling the truth is a lot kinder than sugar-coated lies.

But I guess, not all of it was his fault. I made some mistakes too. I became too dependent on him. Yeah, too dependent that I can't even make decisions on my own. I may have suffocated him. I thought that he completes me, that I can't be happy without him. That is just wrong. 

Now, I pray that God brings me to the right man who will love me and whom I will love for the rest of my life. Whom I would trust wholly. Whom I won't have doubts with.

Why am I suddenly feeling this wave of sadness creeping over me? Could it be because of the dream I had last night? I can't even remember exactly what it was.. Sadness.. I mean, not just that, emptiness? That feeling where you have this weird sting of pain and you don't know where it's coming from and you try to search for it inside your heart and it doesn't seem to be there.. Like something is missing.. Like something just left.. 

Oh I hate this feeling.. I was perfectly fine last night. I thought I was okay this morning.. Why the sudden change? Are these lapses? Is this just normal? Oh I hate it. Now I am starting to think about it again. About him again. And I dare talk about healing or moving on yesterday and look at me now. Now, I'm trying so hard not to cry..

I don't know what started this. Everything seemed normal this morning. I ate breakfast, then I read a book and I watched a film. Now I'm wondering why I am crying. Crying for no reason. Just like an insane person. Maybe because out of nowhere a part me is saying that I miss him. And another part of me is telling me that I should contact him. And I just don't want to. Because it isn't right. I know it isn't.

Why do we always have to have a battle between the heart and the mind? Why can't they have something that they both want? Why am I always suppose to argue with myself? Why is there a need to stop yourself from doing something you want? Because you are protecting yourself from something that will hurt you more. So stop.

Healing a Broken Heart?

Number One. Forget? That's one thing people will tell you. Forget him. Move on. But how? I have to say that I have a photographic memory. I was born with it.

Let me share a quick story of my childhood. When I was one year old, I was shot by a gun. Yes, by a real gun. I almost died then. The doctors said that it was a miracle that I survived. That time, my father was working abroad. My mom didn't tell my dad what happened. Two years later, my dad came home and he still did not have any idea as to what happened.  I was three years old then and would you believe that I told my dad the whole story. I told him that "Voltes V" shot me and I died and lived again. Everyone was so surprised that I remembered the details of the operation.

There, you see, I can't forget. I keep telling my mind to forget and it is just driving me insane. It's impossible. Every place that I go to, it reminds me of him. Every piece of memory that I retrieve from my head includes him. Forgetting is like trying to escape from reality. I cannot change the fact that he was a part of my life. So instead of forcing my mind to do something that it cannot do, I decided on doing something else... Create new memories. So I go out. Hang out with friends. Read new books. Watch new movies. Dine in new places. Try new things, discover, explore..

Number Two. Look for the your best bud. You have a lot of friends, that's a fact. But look for the one whom you know will understand you best. The one who can relate to your pain. The one whom you'll be most comfortable to share your thoughts, your shame, the unexpressed feelings, the stories you cannot tell your other friends. It helps when you have someone who would listen to you even if you are no longer making sense. I'm lucky I have one! 

But if it is hard find that friend, look for an alternative. Keep a journal or start a blog, like I did. That night when I found out the truth and when I was so hurt and didn't have someone to talk to, I started this blog. I don't really care if someone could or would read it, I just needed an outlet, a place where I can speak my mind, where I can let my feelings flow. And it made me feel better.

Number Three.  Travel! This is my favorite! This could be part of the creating new memories idea but I wanted it separate. One of my bestfriends told me that her motto is "Do whatever I want in case the world ends this year". Then I told her that my motto this year is plain and simple: Travel and Eat! And she laughed and asked me if I am on the "Eat Pray Love minus the Love" peg. Then I remembered, that book is one of the things that inspired me to travel. Though I am not really planning to go to Italy, India or Indonesia (I haven't got a passport yet, that's why!) I would love to travel across the country. My goal is to go somewhere different each month!

I'm not saying that I've completely moved on or that I am no longer heart broken. That's why the title of this post is "healing a broken heart"  because I am still in the process of "healing". That's my current state. And I'm actually excited for the day that I can say that I've moved on (past tense) and that I'm ready. But I am not saying that I am not happy because I am. Remember, happiness is a choice.

Alone? Never.

 Footprints

One night I dreamed a dream.

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me

I looked back at the footprints in the sand

And to my surprise,

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

There was only one set of footprints.

I realized that this was at the lowest

And saddest part of my life.

This always bothered me

And I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,

You would walk and talk with me all the way.

But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life

There is only one set of footprints

I just don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You leave me."

He whispered, 

"My precious child,

I love you and I will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings

When you saw only one set of footprints

It was then that I carried you."

I just don't understand why I ever forgot this story about the footprints in the sand. Why I ever felt that, sometime in my life, I was alone. Just then I remembered, God never left me. During that night, when I was so confused, when I felt the most pain, when I was crying like I won't stop, when I had noone to turn to, I said my sincerest prayers to God. Now, I realize that sometimes you need to feel pain so you'd remember that God is here. That He always is. 

I mean, when everything in my life was so perfect, when everything was running smoothly, I pray, I give thanks, and that's it. But that night, when I felt broken, when I thought my world stopped, that was the time that I sought Him with all my heart. That was when I asked Him so hard to come to me and help me. That was when I desperately asked Him to talk to me and give me answers.

I can't remember exactly where I read a quote that says brokenhearted people pray in ways a contented person cannot. I guess, that is true. Because the moment I felt like I hit rock bottom, I called and asked Him to lift me up and He did. He carried me. And not only that He told me that He will never leave me, He also showed me that a lot of people cares for me, my family and a lot of my true friends. Now, I am so happy to know that never will I be alone again.

[The poem "footprints" was written by Margaret Fishback Powers; Footprints: Scriptures with Reflections for Women] 
Special Thanks to Ms. Stacy Morilla for giving me that book.

The Answers..

Finally, the answers that I've been waiting for. Maybe, not for all the questions that I had, but just enough for me to tell myself that IT'S OVER.. Yes, it is over.

Now, I know the truth. It was him all along.. All the lies, all the stories.. Noone else is to blame. Even the other girl, she didn't know. She was a victim too. What's sad is, now that she knows the truth, she stick to what she wants, what they want. But that is no longer my concern now.

Forgive me if I ever offended some people with my actions. Please remember though that I am only human and I am not at all perfect. Forgive me if I've done something wrong, if I was impulsive. Again, remember that as human, I act based on my emotions.  Some could have judged me for what I have done, but please understand, that I was hurt then.

And now, I also forgive you for everything that you did. Although, I feel like I can never forget what happened, you've been forgiven. Now, I also pray that you change. I pray that whatever is causing you to do all this stops. I pray that you find real happiness in your life.

Thank you God for bringing me the answers. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for saving me from a relationship that is not honest. Thank you for saving me from a possibly doomed marriage.

Message to GOD . .

On this day of your life, Joanne, we believe God wants you to know ... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.
	You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.

Dear God, 

You know how much I really want to forgive. You know how many times I tried to justify his actions, how much I defended him from myself, how much I really wanted to forgive. Forgive not only him, but also myself. You know how much I want to heal and let go. But everytime that I try to, it keeps coming back to me, in a way or another. I need to forget but I cannot. I guess, you also know that deep in my heart, I still care for him. That although I try to pretend that I don't, though I try to mask my emotions with hatred, you know I love him. Please tell me how it could be wrong to love someone too much? Or was it wrong because it was too much? I don't want to be suffering like this for any longer. Please tell me what to do. Please help me overcome my jealousy, please remove the thoughts of revenge on my head. Oh God, please heal me. 

I'm not sure if I've used all my tears this past few days, maybe yes, maybe not, maybe I'll be crying for the same reasons again. But I feel that little by little, I am beginning to accept everything. When something so bad, so heartbreaking, happen like this, I would usually just keep everything to myself and endure the pain. I think that wasn't right. When you keep things to yourself, you think you can get thru it alone, but you don't realize that bit by bit, you're dying slowly. You're dying and noone knows.

It's good that I let everything out, that I let people find me and help me. Yes, I know the pain is still there, but at least, someone is there to feel you, to ease the pain, to hug you when you needed it most. My mom told me that everything will be better. Now, every time I feel so helpless, every time I feel like I'm breaking down again, I think of her words. Everything will be better.

I was tormented, or maybe I still am. I've gone thru a whole week of emotional torture, of unbearable pain. But I'm still alive, I'm breathing, and it's a sign. A sign that life doesn't end with a heartbreak. And though it doesn't seem like the pain will never end, I know in time it will.

I gave him my heart, now it's time that I take it back and put it where it should be, here in my chest, back to myself. Back to where it was in the beginning. Back to my old self. Back to being whole again.

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I'm crying to the point that I can no longer breathe. These last 2 days were the worst. I fought for love, for my 7 year relationship, and I lost. He said he wanted his freedom. I can't understand why he didn't tell me earlier. I can't understand why he had to give me lies. Why he made me think that we can still fix our situation. Why he told my friends he still love me. Why he said he broke up with her already. Why he told me that he was fixing himself. Why all the lies? Why give me false hope?

I did what he want. I went to his house, talked to his mom, got the ring back and I went there to see him, to prove him that I love him so much. I swallowed my pride. I even took all the blame and told him that I would change. I apologized for the things that weren't exactly my fault.

I literally begged him. I begged him to come back to me. I asked him to remember how happy we were then. I asked him to remember the proposal. I asked him to remember the last 7 years. I told him that I'm willing to forget all that happened, that I will forgive him. I begged him and all that he said is that he want his freedom back. I asked for a last chance and he won't give it.

My mom was hugging me tight because I was crying so hard. She keep saying that everything happened for a reason, she said maybe we were not really meant for each other. She said that it is better this way, that someone better will come. She said something about fate didn't want us to be together anymore, and I think that fate is just too cruel to me.

I don't know where all this pain is coming from. How come I can't stop crying. How come even if people told me that everything will be better, it doesn't seem real. I keep saying that I'm okay but I'm really not. No, I can't be okay.

I lost the person who I thought was my soulmate. I lost a bestfriend. I lost our dreams. I lost my visions of the future. I am losing myself. 

Dear Me,

You asked for a sign, you got it. I know you're hurting right now, but that's it. You have to let go now.

It may be hard, you've gone thru a lot, but soon enough, everything's gonna be alright. You can cry, go ahead and let it out.

If the future scares the hell out of you, then stop thinking about it and live just for today. 

Stop thinking about what's gonna happen next, it will arrive eventually.

If the past is hurting you, then maybe it's time to leave it all behind.

If you think you're broken, then start picking up the pieces of yourself.

Don't be upset if you can't find the answers you're looking for, maybe it's not yet time. Soon everything will be clear and you'll find the reason why.

Don't blame yourself. None of it is your fault. Nothing is wrong with you.

You have to move on. Start anew. I know, it will be tough, but you'll make it.

Dear You,

I had another dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare. It was the scariest dream that I had, but there were no ghosts or monsters or covers. Just you. We were together and we were happy. Then I asked you, "do you love me?". You said, "yes." I asked you again, "are you happy with me?" and your answer was "i am happy right now, I'm with you."

"Did you break-up with her?" And I was really hoping for another yes but you said, "I can't" , "I tried, but I can't." Then I started crying, but there wasn't any tear. You said, "It is easier to be with her, we can be together as much as we want."

I said "I love you" then I kissed you and then I begged you to break up with her. But you did not answer. But it seems like I already knew what it is, so I left. 

Then I woke up. 

Maybe that dream was the sign that I was praying for. You were so honest in that dream, you were so unreal,  yet ironically, everything felt real, like you were just in front of me.

Today will be the last day. And it will be the last chance that I'm giving myself. Everything needs to stop after today.

There's a war.

A war between me and myself.

Between my mind and my heart.

Between intellect and emotions.

A war between love and hatred.

Between hope and regret.

Between forgiveness and revenge.

A war between truth and lies.

Between trust and suspicion.

Between assurance and disappointment.

A war between looking back and moving forward.

The Gemini

In finding answers to all the questions I have in my head, and in complete desperation, I started to search for the future thru horoscopes.While I was never a believer of such, I am now willing to take anything, maybe anything that would tell me that everything is gonna be alright.

I wanted to understand what happened to him, why all of a sudden things changed (this is not the future, I am looking back at the past)

Gemini Man

The Gemini man is an intelligent, versatile, knowledgeable man who enjoys communication. 

A convincing talker, combined with his youthful nature and the Gemini man can present a character of considerable appeal to most women. 

It is more than likely then, that this male will have many girlfriends before he gets married.    

The Gemini man loves travel, parties and entertainment and possesses a fun-loving outlook on life so, with such outlook it may be unwise that he refrains from settling down to early in life. 

He will pursue a woman who interests him while a challenge exists, however, the relationship staying power of the Gemini man is generally not record breaking and he will often lose interest if he becomes bored and move on in search of new conquests.  

That is him. Everything is just oh-so-right, I just hope I've read this a million years ago so maybe I have predicted what's gonna happen. Maybe, that was it, our relationship lost that challenge that he was craving for. I said yes to the marriage, maybe, everything became too predictable for him, thus, became boring. And he's had only three girlfriends (or four now), maybe he need a dozen or more before he settles down.

I am tired. My mind is now about to explode, thinking why or how or what will happen next or whatever. What's really ironic is, I've been looking for description of a gemini, while I myself is one, so I should know. I'm non-sense, my mind is actually thinking faster than what my hands can write, and, I just need to stop.

Dear You,

How did you do it? Did you have any sense of guilt? Was it difficult lying? 

Do you know how I'm feeling right now? I'm awful. I feel like dying. I feel empty. I feel stranded.

In the office, when people talk about lovelife and how many girlfriends or boyfriends one had, I was always proud to say that you were the only one.  When people joke about men womanizing, I would always say that I'm confident that you won't.

You know how I planned my future with you in it? I was planning for our wedding everyday. I'm always thinking of what you might want to include in it. I was downloading the songs you suggested. Remember, I even showed you the dance that I thought was perfect for you? You're a good dancer, so I know you can do it better. You're such a talented person. And so a lot of people are telling me that I was lucky to have you. I would always say that yes, I'm very lucky.

I even thought that after the wedding, we will look for an apartment temporarily there in Cavite, cause I thought you wont be really comfortable staying in our house, so during the work week I can stay at my house and then on my off, I'd go there in our place. I was planning to get copies of recipes so I can cook for you. I was thinking of how I'm gonna design our house, the pieces of furniture that we're gonna buy. Then we can get a loan so we can buy our new house depending if you want it here or there in Cavite.

You see, everything that I've dreamed off, you were in it. I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you, of getting old with you. 

Now, I feel so lost. Now, everything about the future frightens me. Now, I don't know whom to trust anymore, I can't even trust myself now. You broke me. You hurt me in ways I never thought you could.

By the way, I love you still.

I feel so alone.

I can't even think straight, I don't even know what to write here. But I need to do something to keep my sanity. I want to cry but I feel that it's gonna be useless. I need answers. I badly need the truth right now.

He broke my heart. Yes, he did. But he broke something bigger, my faith. Faith to myself. I'm right here, but I don't see me. I barely know the person that I am seeing in front of the mirror. I was a very confident girl. But I feel so worthless  now.

I've tried several times to distract myself from the thoughts of him. But he keep coming back. I want to call him, i really want to hear his voice, i miss him so much, I am so stupid. I know, he could still be lying to me. He may still be with the other girl, even if he said he isn't.

I love him. Okay, now I'm crying.

I need someone to talk to. But who? Who would understand me? I guess no one but myself.

I even lost my faith with other people around me. I feel so helpless. If the person whom I trusted the most in the world, was able to hurt me this much, then they can too. I feel like no one can understand, no one will listen, no one can save me. I am so alone. I am pathetic.

Does he really need time to fix himself? Or is he using the time to be with her? Is there anything wrong with me? Do I not deserve love and loyalty?

Who would know what to do if they were me? Who would know the future. What if I let him go, then later realize that he really is the man for me and it is too late? What if I forgive him now, marry him and then he does the same mistake again? It's both dead end.

What is most important? Is it love? Because if it is, I would definitely go back to him. But I lost my trust and respect for him. I even lost respect for myself because of him. Will it be possible for a relationship to last if it only has love?

Why does lying seem so easy for him? Is it some kind of talent for some people?

I had a nightmare last night. I was trying to wake up, but someone keeps putting cover, a blanket, to my face, and I can hardly breathe, I'm trying to escape, but it keeps blocking me. Was it him? Is it now manifesting in my dreams?

I just don't know what to believe now. Should I trust my emotions? Should I trust logic? My female intuition that led me thru discovering everything? I don't know, I really don't. If dying could have been an option then I'll take it. But no, I've lost my faith in myself and in others, but not in God. Just please help me find the answers.

Alive.

Words cannot express my feelings right now.

When Christmas comes!

I woke up this morning, hearing that song from Mariah Carey! It is Christmas! Could you believe it?

After about 40hrs of being awake, my body finally gave up (and my mind too!) and I was able to get 5hrs of sleep! My boyfriend (should i say my ex-bf) was texting me last night, he was telling me that he wants me back and that he dealt with the other woman already. I am so confused right now! I love him still. I loved him so much and I think it would be so hard to just forget him, imagine that we've been together for 7 years.. But it is also so hard to forget how much pain I felt for the last 2 days.. It made me numb, really! 

Should I believe him? Should I forgive him? Should I talk to him again? But I am so afraid to talk to him and see him again, I am afraid that I would just give in and forgive him right there and then. That's how much I love him.. Maybe you'd say that I'm such a big fool, and yes I am!

I've been arguing about this with myself! I keep telling myself that he was not really serious with the other girl. Because if he was, he should have let the idea of us getting married slip away.. But he didn't.. We even made a full payment for our wedding venue last Nov! And he even agreed to go to the next bridal fair.. But if he really loved me, he should have never started that affair! He was saying that it was actually the girl who kept going to his boarding house to see him (she is such a whore!!), but he should have resisted, he should have thought about me, right?

But then again, like I said, I love him still and I am starting to hate myself for it.. I have to admit, when he texted me last night night, when he apologized, it really healed me, somehow..

The First!

Funny how I am starting my blog with my heartaches! I dont feel like anyone can understand me right now, I just didn't want all the unsolicited advice that I will get from people around me! I just needed a place where I can say whatever I want to say and where I can express how much pain I have somewhere here around my chest (well, i think that it is just a reminder that, yes, I am alive!)

Well, here is my story!  I've been in a relationship with a man for the last 7 years, and it ended, well, last night.. He was the first man (I mean the only man so far) that I loved, I thought that everything was so damn smooth! And Guess what, he proposed marriage to me last Aug, that was on our 7th anniversary. Ours is a semi-long distance relationship (I mean he's here in the philippines, not abroad!) , we would see each other maybe once or twice a month! I have given him everything! And I mean everything, you name it, he got it! Not just my heart and my soul but every freakin' thing! But then I just found out that he was having an affair to another woman! It started last Oct, well, that would be 2 months after the proposal!

And guess where all the lies came out, in the number 1 social networking website, Facebook! I feel like I have the strongest female intuition, because i was able to figure out everything! He changed his pw, hid his tagged photos, that is just suspicious right? Well, since I work as a technical support agent for an internet company, I could say that I am somehow tech savvy (more of a hacker)! I saw pictures of him on facebook with the girl, arms around each other! But that is not all, ofcourse, you do that with some of your closest friends right?! I was able to figure out another account that belonged to him! Made a couple of guesses with the email ad and pw, and boom! I got logged in! And to my surprize, the account looks exactly like the one he is using for me, all infos and pictures, except for one major thing! He is in a relationship with someone else!

You know what's really amazing? When I saw that page, no tears came out! (just so you know, I am quite emotional and i cry a lot!) It was all anger and regret! Regret, that I wasted 7 years of my life with the wrong guy! Anger, because I feel like I don't deserve it!

I was so angry, I lost control of myself, I started uploading pictures of us together on his wall, making bitchy (excuse me for the word!) remarks, telling how interesting it is to see your fiance being in a relationship with someone else! It was not like me, I was never a war freak, I never said such ugly words in my entire life except in that moment that I saw how he's been fooling me for 3 months! I felt like dying!

I don't know if you've ever felt anger, dismay, regret, pain, disappointment, confusion all at the same time! It was overwhelming, I think you would lose your self control too.

What's more, his girlfriend added me as a friend and dare posted comments on my wall too! It was a war, really! I cannot find the words to best describe her! But I do admire her... confidence?! 

Maybe it was all on me after all, sounds cliche but you really should not love too much, you have to leave something for yourself! It is still best that you love yourself first!

And the best part of it all is, it's Christmas tomorrow (that's what we call perfect timing!)