Why am I suddenly feeling this wave of sadness creeping over me? Could it be because of the dream I had last night? I can't even remember exactly what it was.. Sadness.. I mean, not just that, emptiness? That feeling where you have this weird sting of pain and you don't know where it's coming from and you try to search for it inside your heart and it doesn't seem to be there.. Like something is missing.. Like something just left.. 

Oh I hate this feeling.. I was perfectly fine last night. I thought I was okay this morning.. Why the sudden change? Are these lapses? Is this just normal? Oh I hate it. Now I am starting to think about it again. About him again. And I dare talk about healing or moving on yesterday and look at me now. Now, I'm trying so hard not to cry..

I don't know what started this. Everything seemed normal this morning. I ate breakfast, then I read a book and I watched a film. Now I'm wondering why I am crying. Crying for no reason. Just like an insane person. Maybe because out of nowhere a part me is saying that I miss him. And another part of me is telling me that I should contact him. And I just don't want to. Because it isn't right. I know it isn't.

Why do we always have to have a battle between the heart and the mind? Why can't they have something that they both want? Why am I always suppose to argue with myself? Why is there a need to stop yourself from doing something you want? Because you are protecting yourself from something that will hurt you more. So stop.

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I'm crying to the point that I can no longer breathe. These last 2 days were the worst. I fought for love, for my 7 year relationship, and I lost. He said he wanted his freedom. I can't understand why he didn't tell me earlier. I can't understand why he had to give me lies. Why he made me think that we can still fix our situation. Why he told my friends he still love me. Why he said he broke up with her already. Why he told me that he was fixing himself. Why all the lies? Why give me false hope?

I did what he want. I went to his house, talked to his mom, got the ring back and I went there to see him, to prove him that I love him so much. I swallowed my pride. I even took all the blame and told him that I would change. I apologized for the things that weren't exactly my fault.

I literally begged him. I begged him to come back to me. I asked him to remember how happy we were then. I asked him to remember the proposal. I asked him to remember the last 7 years. I told him that I'm willing to forget all that happened, that I will forgive him. I begged him and all that he said is that he want his freedom back. I asked for a last chance and he won't give it.

My mom was hugging me tight because I was crying so hard. She keep saying that everything happened for a reason, she said maybe we were not really meant for each other. She said that it is better this way, that someone better will come. She said something about fate didn't want us to be together anymore, and I think that fate is just too cruel to me.

I don't know where all this pain is coming from. How come I can't stop crying. How come even if people told me that everything will be better, it doesn't seem real. I keep saying that I'm okay but I'm really not. No, I can't be okay.

I lost the person who I thought was my soulmate. I lost a bestfriend. I lost our dreams. I lost my visions of the future. I am losing myself. 

I feel so alone.

I can't even think straight, I don't even know what to write here. But I need to do something to keep my sanity. I want to cry but I feel that it's gonna be useless. I need answers. I badly need the truth right now.

He broke my heart. Yes, he did. But he broke something bigger, my faith. Faith to myself. I'm right here, but I don't see me. I barely know the person that I am seeing in front of the mirror. I was a very confident girl. But I feel so worthless  now.

I've tried several times to distract myself from the thoughts of him. But he keep coming back. I want to call him, i really want to hear his voice, i miss him so much, I am so stupid. I know, he could still be lying to me. He may still be with the other girl, even if he said he isn't.

I love him. Okay, now I'm crying.

I need someone to talk to. But who? Who would understand me? I guess no one but myself.

I even lost my faith with other people around me. I feel so helpless. If the person whom I trusted the most in the world, was able to hurt me this much, then they can too. I feel like no one can understand, no one will listen, no one can save me. I am so alone. I am pathetic.

Does he really need time to fix himself? Or is he using the time to be with her? Is there anything wrong with me? Do I not deserve love and loyalty?

Who would know what to do if they were me? Who would know the future. What if I let him go, then later realize that he really is the man for me and it is too late? What if I forgive him now, marry him and then he does the same mistake again? It's both dead end.

What is most important? Is it love? Because if it is, I would definitely go back to him. But I lost my trust and respect for him. I even lost respect for myself because of him. Will it be possible for a relationship to last if it only has love?

Why does lying seem so easy for him? Is it some kind of talent for some people?

I had a nightmare last night. I was trying to wake up, but someone keeps putting cover, a blanket, to my face, and I can hardly breathe, I'm trying to escape, but it keeps blocking me. Was it him? Is it now manifesting in my dreams?

I just don't know what to believe now. Should I trust my emotions? Should I trust logic? My female intuition that led me thru discovering everything? I don't know, I really don't. If dying could have been an option then I'll take it. But no, I've lost my faith in myself and in others, but not in God. Just please help me find the answers.

When Christmas comes!

I woke up this morning, hearing that song from Mariah Carey! It is Christmas! Could you believe it?

After about 40hrs of being awake, my body finally gave up (and my mind too!) and I was able to get 5hrs of sleep! My boyfriend (should i say my ex-bf) was texting me last night, he was telling me that he wants me back and that he dealt with the other woman already. I am so confused right now! I love him still. I loved him so much and I think it would be so hard to just forget him, imagine that we've been together for 7 years.. But it is also so hard to forget how much pain I felt for the last 2 days.. It made me numb, really! 

Should I believe him? Should I forgive him? Should I talk to him again? But I am so afraid to talk to him and see him again, I am afraid that I would just give in and forgive him right there and then. That's how much I love him.. Maybe you'd say that I'm such a big fool, and yes I am!

I've been arguing about this with myself! I keep telling myself that he was not really serious with the other girl. Because if he was, he should have let the idea of us getting married slip away.. But he didn't.. We even made a full payment for our wedding venue last Nov! And he even agreed to go to the next bridal fair.. But if he really loved me, he should have never started that affair! He was saying that it was actually the girl who kept going to his boarding house to see him (she is such a whore!!), but he should have resisted, he should have thought about me, right?

But then again, like I said, I love him still and I am starting to hate myself for it.. I have to admit, when he texted me last night night, when he apologized, it really healed me, somehow..

The First!

Funny how I am starting my blog with my heartaches! I dont feel like anyone can understand me right now, I just didn't want all the unsolicited advice that I will get from people around me! I just needed a place where I can say whatever I want to say and where I can express how much pain I have somewhere here around my chest (well, i think that it is just a reminder that, yes, I am alive!)

Well, here is my story!  I've been in a relationship with a man for the last 7 years, and it ended, well, last night.. He was the first man (I mean the only man so far) that I loved, I thought that everything was so damn smooth! And Guess what, he proposed marriage to me last Aug, that was on our 7th anniversary. Ours is a semi-long distance relationship (I mean he's here in the philippines, not abroad!) , we would see each other maybe once or twice a month! I have given him everything! And I mean everything, you name it, he got it! Not just my heart and my soul but every freakin' thing! But then I just found out that he was having an affair to another woman! It started last Oct, well, that would be 2 months after the proposal!

And guess where all the lies came out, in the number 1 social networking website, Facebook! I feel like I have the strongest female intuition, because i was able to figure out everything! He changed his pw, hid his tagged photos, that is just suspicious right? Well, since I work as a technical support agent for an internet company, I could say that I am somehow tech savvy (more of a hacker)! I saw pictures of him on facebook with the girl, arms around each other! But that is not all, ofcourse, you do that with some of your closest friends right?! I was able to figure out another account that belonged to him! Made a couple of guesses with the email ad and pw, and boom! I got logged in! And to my surprize, the account looks exactly like the one he is using for me, all infos and pictures, except for one major thing! He is in a relationship with someone else!

You know what's really amazing? When I saw that page, no tears came out! (just so you know, I am quite emotional and i cry a lot!) It was all anger and regret! Regret, that I wasted 7 years of my life with the wrong guy! Anger, because I feel like I don't deserve it!

I was so angry, I lost control of myself, I started uploading pictures of us together on his wall, making bitchy (excuse me for the word!) remarks, telling how interesting it is to see your fiance being in a relationship with someone else! It was not like me, I was never a war freak, I never said such ugly words in my entire life except in that moment that I saw how he's been fooling me for 3 months! I felt like dying!

I don't know if you've ever felt anger, dismay, regret, pain, disappointment, confusion all at the same time! It was overwhelming, I think you would lose your self control too.

What's more, his girlfriend added me as a friend and dare posted comments on my wall too! It was a war, really! I cannot find the words to best describe her! But I do admire her... confidence?! 

Maybe it was all on me after all, sounds cliche but you really should not love too much, you have to leave something for yourself! It is still best that you love yourself first!

And the best part of it all is, it's Christmas tomorrow (that's what we call perfect timing!)